Goodbye Saturn's Return, Hello ...?

The phenomenon of Saturn's Return is a strange one.  Turning 30 has been a seriously epic experience.  My Saturn's return ended, officially, yesterday.  It has been a crazy couple of years, with events that have changed my life forever.  I have experienced, the hardest of times, and the best of times.  And now, I am in a holding pattern seemingly.  Reeling from all that has happened, (death, divorce, work trauma, promotions, financial success, amazing new friends and an amazing new source of love...phew!) I am finding that I am feeling like a blank slate.  Prepared and ready for whatever is next, feeling grounded, whole and fully realized, it is so good.  Matters of the heart, I suppose, could not have come at a better time.  I write today, in a place of peace, yet totally anxious for the next endeavor. 

Feet on the ground again, heart feels heavy
I am soaring now through the plain of my own soul
Finding the corners sullen and heady
Time for a spiritual journey through another rabbit hole

I squeeze myself in a hug of love
Consoling the past years of trial
It's all I can do now that I have none of
What seems like years of denial

Body, life and now spirit will join together
Piecing together the only puzzle I can fix
Journey now, to become whole forever
So that my heart and your soul can properly mix

Without my own work doing we cannot be one
Always striving to become higher from the ground
You only need make a small leap towards the sun
My heart shining like a beacon until found

What you give is immeasurable by units
Unfathomable how you do not realize what you do for me
Come as you are and find that the teacher is a student
Together this life will be an incredible journey

Fear is an evil demon buried in your veins
Sauntering on, I cannot wait for you to realize
But my heart is broken just the same
Patiently waiting for the moment we synthesize

I will follow my path to the place I belong
Higher love of the earth will be my grounding force
For now, I will sing Nina's song
Knowing the pain will subside in due course

For You

This pouring rain couldn't fill the cavern of space
Left here made by all the leaving
I can still remember your sweet face
It only leaves me screaming

All this pouring rain spreads tears across the emptiness
You are reflected in every drop I try to catch
But they run and float away into my memory's haziness
How long will I have to beg for you to come back?

I try so hard to hold on to the rest of the good in this life
But when the rain pours I search for you everywhere
Left out in the open I am naked with nowhere to hide
Still screaming for a sign that one day again you'll be there

The Spirit Unleashed

The empty space between what is and will be
Stirs around in me the anxious bevy of will
This place unfolds like the onion layers of my soul
Revealing the corners of excellence and glory

I am in awe of this life and it's horror, it's bliss
How do we, human beings make this place so amazing
Yet can rip it apart in instant tragedy
Furthering our daily retributions, shortcomings and pure genius

Shining possibilities only cover my eyes
Unlike the wool of doubt I am unwilling to compromise
For I have yet seen the limits to where my earthly soul can go
The journey down this road like times square flashing

I cannot stop this and you cannot bring me down
Forces of the human will cannot be faltered
You will see the endurance of years of journey take it down like a champ
Bear the brink of broken walls for I'm coming for it

House music is one big orgy in my body

4 a.m. and it's gettin hot
So many vibes and it's all one on top
This DJ's got my body movin I just can't stop
With the tish ting and the uh uh uh, you know it's about to drop

Weaving that melody background with the punch of the high
Break it down on the low
And my entire insides just wanna pump out of my chest
The rhythm pumping through my core
It makes my corpuscles pop and jerk

The journey through, and to, and all around
DJ you make my mind melt into your sound
Only this, this does not just fill my ears
My whole body is in the clear

Tingling different bits and pieces within the build of a sick ass drop
Moments
Moments of amazing glory fill my eardrums
Your synth rise and your bass lows and your vocally nectar
Breeds babies in my blood veins

Euphoria moments salivate on my tongue
As your piano groove and scratch cat master blast tinker with my inner mind
Oh the funk, oh oh, oh goddamn the funk
That funk grazes the skin like smooth butter
As the clouds rise and float like mist over my space
You bring that cymbal and it's floor time

Oh DJ bring me home
With your afro ladies bringin up the rear
glory and behemoth of their voice
The rhythm is in the soul

With the lip out
Droolin on the dance floor
Slippery slope and I switch to the light
Mumblin to myself, "DJ you done it right"


For Wessels

Kibosh

To be a great writer, one must practice at it. I made a vow to force myself to try and write nearly everyday (like how vague that is?) and though I have a million things to say right now, the ever impending writer's block has taken it's club out and beat me. I often find that this habitual passion of mine flows best when I'm a blank canvas. When you're really in the thick of it, it can be hard to put it into a nice neat little package. Hindsight usually works like they say...20/20, neat and tidy. Despite my struggles literary at the moment, here's one for the page anyway.

Kibosh

Burning in my heart through to the palms of my feet
This morning it hit me like a ton of bricks
For shame to the one who is a temptress of defeat
Wanting what you cannot have is the devil's tricks

Aching evermore while you play two guitars at once
You bank parameters; imaginary in the sand
Those boundaries cannot keep out the hope, the chance
I don't want to hurt anymore, so I'm breaking up with the band

The highway to my soul is forged on the surface of my iris
The delta of my love for you travels this way too
This time, I will save it for the papyrus
My spirit deserves to be unleashed in full truth

Golden

Restlessness and the runner's high.
I guess I'll get out and be bound for the while to my distresses.
I guess I'll relish the moment of my unique view yet still caress less.
Summer sun tinted my body and everyone says I look good these days.
I'm in a world of good pressure, high pressure, steam pressure stays.
Focus girl, stick to your guns.
Press on, forward and eager more for that get up and go mode.
Stunted still by my best friend's struggles and my heart breaks for her.
Something about a still warm night; lights on the water that makes me ponder.
The edge of silence and extreme ragery is the promise I dwell in.
The possibilities of which I am about to introduce, won't confuse you a bit.
Always dancing in my mind wondering where the next dope beat will be.
Like a drug I chase the dragon of the slow smooth progression.
Hunger knows no bounds within my soul, my stomach, my loins.
There is something to be said for never being satisfied
As it drives me towards that next level, that place of rising tide.
So restlessness, take me away.
Push me on into the golden way.

Heart Unlike Steel

This crazy heart of mine will always
Be stubborn.
Against logic, against prior reasoning.
Brick walls and Brick Shields thinks like a steel column.
Acts like a plate of sushi.
One of my own, someday, one of my own
Will appear as if ever so slightly revealing itself
from behind the giant redwood I've been hugging for the last 10 years.
Moments this life has given me can only be described as euphoria.
Blessings rain like sheets of edible gold sometimes.
Digging my feet in the dirt and I only want
To be there.
What gene pool dipped itself into the visions I realize
Sometimes it seems like it's never enough
And sometimes, enough is enough of it all.
Come hither and let me show you the way to a
Blasted explosion of beauty.
And then we're back.
Like lightning. Struck blind by just that very moment
Where everything stops in the cornea of our minds.
No one can fault us for being human
And desiring the touch of our hearts.
Eventually we will crumble, melt, swallow
For all we are is liquid and a bag of bones
Holding ourselves up like those steel columns
Until the wind of another,
Takes you down.

Speak.Spit.Listen.Change.Hear

These words will never be saved. As much as I want them to.
Technology won’t savor the flavor of my pen to paper.
I have to find my sweat, my pen scratch in my book to bleed the moments I want you to read.
And for a moment there I said hear, which reminds me of what I must do.
Write. Listen. Hear. Speak. Spit. Change. Write. Listen some more. Hear what the words are saying. Speak. Spit. Change. Write. Listen some more. Heave told me what the purpose is for writing anymore.
Speak. Spit. Listen. Change. Hear.
The end of the page is the place where I’ll find the nevermore.
And you speak. spit. listen. change. hear.
You will find the answers within the bed of your ear.
As you Listen. Speak. Hear. You change and you feel and you spit as you make clear
The vibrations of your mind will change the sentence once you lose your fear.
And you slay the dragon of the mountain laid way before you beyond the clear
Take one foot and furnish the ground with your mind’s eye and ear
Replenishing the soul of the avenues where we struggle to climb
Reaching beyond a limit of the best intentions and framing the mind
To love only, to be only, to hold only, beyond the moment of the year.
Handing one’s heart down for the next can be the only way to sear.

Breakfast With the Past

Some mornings, I wake up with a sour ball stuck behind the center of my eyes.  Yes, there are these nights where unmentionables are ingested and the next morning leaves you sorta...well, writing in bed, looking out the window, while ingesting 3 beers and 3 bowls in time to take your mother to dinner on a Sunday.  In my insatiable desire for the perfect music for the exact moment, I came upon this delicious mix for the state I am in.  It shares my title.

 

Breakfast With The Past by djheneka

And now onto the poetry. 

Is This All There Is?

Is this all there is? 

Juxtaposing my inner core heated desires with the lack of enough daylight and sunshine hours gets my blood boiling hot.

Like a little girl I am spinning around in a circle with ribbons 

Tapping each of you, my male counterparts with a taste of honey and the satin 

of the ribbons generate just enough desire 

to keep this rotation spinning. 

I delve, down, deep into my soul, and find the space occupied by zest 

and desire 

and kinetic energy will fuel your journey back every time.

I have perhaps found another level of consciousness 

that may or may not be grounded in the perception of reality.

But I seek that highest place anyway, and have found
that maybe the ground is too heavy.
No it’s definitely too heavy.

The energy to keep one lifted above it
becomes more and more straining each time. 

This is why we need each other.

I am convinced that you are a warrior of another planet.

Both sword wielding stallions, and our armor have caused a chinking sound in human connection. 

A heart belonging to one, a psyche to another and…
is that all there is?

I just want to fuel each other 

so that we might get lifted a little easier
once the ground weighs us down. 

The plane of music will float me down the river forever,
I know.

I can always come and find you, and usually you, me. 

That you can’t see what’s behind my eyelids,
is the only heartbreak,
I cannot bear.