Ode to Cigarettes

When I was fourteen
a church girl
a babysitter
a hero
She gave me cigarettes
I puffed on the butts every time she did
Needless or not
The yellow stain would frighten me
Wondering what this really is
The inhale felt so powerful
The exhale, disgusting
Like burst rice and coffee grounds
At once I held a token of cool,
A leverage over my peers
When I was seventeen
I was caught using meth
The guy at work I had a crush on
Convinced me it wasn't that bad
sorta like coke
It will make you work harder
I was on cloud 9. I was funny.
I had energy to entertain everyone
Now in rehab, I  leveraged mom to buy me cigarettes
It combats my cravings of meth; I said
When I was twenty
I found euphoria
The space between dawn, me
These last five dancers and the DJ
Brought a most unforgettable moment
I'll spend the rest of my life
Chasing that one high
That one experience
That ultimate moment
Now, I am thirty
A boyfriend
A shame
A regret
The power over me
you cannot have
I claim you are gone
Cigarettes, I cannot deny you of the lot
You are the only high I crave so much
I am powerless
I ride my bike till dawn
Chasing that high
And only without you cigarettes
I am able
I was once fourteen
Innocent and tainted
I was seventeen
Invincible and lied to
Twenty, all knowing and dying to live
Thirty, owning and fighting
Reclaiming this vessel
As a vortex of man
And earth combined
I will fight every day
To kick this tobacco grind
Flee from me only
So I can remember life with you behind

I Will Always

Your voice trills with the passion of a thousand souls
You think you need a color on your skin
To give you the thunder you need
You gather your breath deep within
Hit the wall with all you have
Oozing with milk and honey
I cannot wait for the next line
And yet hang onto this trill like a ripe apple on the edge of spring
I am holding onto you and your passion in this room
Your love is everything I have ever seen
You start my day
You hold my eye for the night
This tug of war inside my heart will once and for all
Break me
And I am fighting the tears for you
I am punching the walls for you
I am pulling my hair for you
I am screaming for you
Come home to me
And hold your fears in my bosom
For your life will fade away into the wind
When I will always believe in you
Be here for you
Stand down for you
Fight for you
Love you

Oakland; A love

The chop of the helicopter blade
Incites fear, anger, remorse
Your criminal hunt down has made
My feeling of safety seek recourse
And yet, I embrace you, I love you
My city of Oakland
Your struggles, your people
My neighborhood haven
My lake of shining waters, beauty and pain
You wear the crown jewels
of a city of stains
Every morning I pedal
Through the ghetto they call
the Bermuda triangle
The people like zombies
Screaming just to feel
Yet I am welcomed
by the smell of grits and oatmeal
Oakland you have made me,
Carved my carcass into an activist
Settling for nothing less
Fighting for your children
Out of the mire you give us art,
Freedom fighters,
Worthy redemption
A city born from iron, ships,
Black labor on the water of industry
Scoured by hipsters,
Gentrified and replacement poverty
Where will you go
When housing becomes mired by fixies,
Vegans and cheap beer?
Give me your hand,
For once you were my savior,
And now I vow to stand
I promise to nourish you, protect you,
Year after violent year

Photoshoot

I stood outside on the mountain hill
Naked and free
You wandered off to the edge
Avoiding and making phone calls
She snaps the camera finding the shiny and the grease
I tug at the minimal scarf
Attempting to paint a stripe across my curves in the lens
The fox tails and hot sun scratch and burn as I sweat and stick
I didn't clean up or shower but figured this is my most naked
The dangers of the warehouse enliven my skin
I have finally found freedom within
The light drapes around my breasts and face and I see you making the best of it
The wind and the day prove wearisome on my hair
Wish there were never insecurities even in this
I pull out the stops and flames are thrown as daggers from my eyes
I made love to me and held my heart up in the air like a slaughtered buffalo
I was scared on the ledge of the ocean
I was nervous in the grass
I was in pain on the rusty pipes
I bruised and drank and swung from the rubber rope swing over piles of tetanus
Humbled, hollowed and whole
I wait for the results